I am so close to being done. There is just so many things I can’t take right now and they are starting to take a toll.
For starters, I will not be going back to school. At least not this semester. Do you know how disappointing that is?! Other people might think that I’m happy with this decision, but I’m really not. I haven’t even had the courage to tell my parents that this is my decision because I know how they’ll react. They’ll be sad and disappointed and I know this because I already heard it. Apparently my parents have been talking to my brother about what’s suppose to be MY future behind my back. They believe that those four years I was away at school are now going to be a complete loss and that I am now just going to become a dropout with a minimum wage job. I certainly do not want that for myself.
They need to understand that I need to regroup. I don’t think they see how hard it was on me seeing my friends graduate and now have great jobs. It still hurts. They’re all becoming teachers or getting jobs as psychologists and microbiologists. It sucks!
None of this was suppose to happen. My entire plan was screwed and now I don’t even have a clue where to go from here. I hate when other people tell me that it’ll happen in its own time or that I am just taking a small detour. No! All of this was suppose to be done with, but I went and fucked it all up for myself. Maybe it will happen eventually, but at the current mood I am in, it all seems impossible and I have no one else to blame but myself.
This was suppose to be the one thing that I could control. The one thing that I was suppose to be good at, but I don’t even know where I went wrong.
I guess it’s mainly frustration. I am frustrated that I couldn’t get things done or that I don’t even know where my future is heading. It’s really frustrating knowing that everyone had high hopes for me and I went on and let them all down. It’s even more frustrating when other family members (aunts, uncles) remind me that my parents almost went completely broke for me. First of all, how the hell do they know that?! And secondly, can they stop reminding me! I already know what i cost them and I feel bad for it. They would speak highly of me to others, almost as if bragging, but now what can they say? I’m going nowhere. That must be embarrassing for them and I hate that I am the one putting them through that because I didn’t do my part.
Overall, I am just extremely frustrated and disappointed in myself.