It has been well over two months since I have posted anything on here and I can honestly say I missed it. For the past couple of months I have been trying to stay on the down low for various reasons, but now I think it’s time that I came back to update and possibly vent a little.
As you all can probably guess, I am currently on summer vacation. Ending this semester in particular was rather tough for me because this was suppose to be the year I graduated from college, but obviously that did not happen. I had convinced everyone, including myself, that I would be done with school and be on my way to finding a career as soon as possible. Apparently I was just kidding myself and everyone around me.
I tried to avoid social media as much as possible during that time because a lot of people I knew and went to school with were posting about their graduations and how they all successfully completed school. That was suppose to be me too. Seeing everyone’s success and happiness just made me feel miserable. I envied them because they were accomplishing their goals and living their dream, in a way, but I was nowhere near that. I could have been rejoicing like them that I would no longer have to take classes or exams, but instead I sulked and felt sorry for myself.
I just really hated feeling like that. The feeling that my dreams were far from my reach. I was really embarrassed and ashamed. It feels like nothing ever goes my way and it is starting to get on my nerves.
Changing the subject. My sister is currently seven months pregnant and she will be having a little girl. She is going to be my first niece and I am so excited! Honestly, that is probably the best thing that is going on in my life right now.
I remember at first I was furious because I don’t like the baby’s father, but now I’m learning to accept it. Seeing how happy this has made my sister is what it’s all about. For once I see her smile more often, despite being tired all the time, and I am truly happy for her. I know she will be a great mother.
Changing the subject again. So I tried to use these past couple of months that I have been off to better myself. I have tried to accept the fact that I am not done with school. The fact that I am not the best looking person. The fact that I might not be stable and what I can do to help myself. The fact of the matter is that I did not come to terms with anything! I feel like I might have made a few things worse.
Ever since my summer vacation started, I have been stuck at home. I’ve had no interaction with my friends from back home or even gone out as much. I have become perfectly comfortable staying in the comfort of my home or room. I do not find it necessary to do anything. It’s not that I am being completely lazy, it’s just that I feel no motivation to do anything or even talk to people. The closest thing I can think of is being anti social. I avoid being around people at all costs and I never used to be like that. I don’t even want to hang out with my own family. I feel obligated to go to family gatherings because I am forced to make conversation and interact. I don’t find that interesting anymore and I know that’s not normal. I would much rather be in my room just reading, entering a whole new world.
It is much easier to keep to myself, this way I won’t be a bother or even a nuisance. For example, in a few hours we are heading to California for Independence Day to spend it with the majority of the family. I am dreading this trip. It is hard for me to believe that it has come to a point where I don’t “like” my family and their presence annoys me. I was never like this and I don’t know why all of a sudden I am. It feels like lately the whole interaction thing has become a chore or hassle for me.
I could go into so much more detail, but for now I will leave it at that. You have now been updated.