Adios, Monkey.

To a lot of people, I may seem like the quietest person in the entire world.  I rarely talk, let alone get into arguments. Have you ever heard that the most quiet person is usually the one with the loudest mind? Or something along those lines? Well, everything that was on my mind at this moment seemed to jump out of my mouth with no filter and I was glad that it did.

For the past four and a half years, my older sister has been dating this guy, who she nicknamed Monkey, and let’s just say that I did not like him at all from the get go. I was happy for my sister because she was with someone who supposedly made her happy, but because she was so blinded by love, she did not fully see his real intentions.

Throughout the four years, I have seen my sister get hurt, cry, and go through so much that no woman should ever have to put up with. Monkey would talk down to my sister, take advantage of her, yell at her, and make her feel bad. He even had the nerve to treat my sister that way in front of me so who knows what would go on when they weren’t around. I just knew my sister had changed and she was being controlled by an asshole. (I won’t go into so much detail in this post, but just know that it was bad.) Countless times I wanted to say something, but I felt like there was no use. My sister was putting up with all his bullshit so there was no point in me saying anything. She wants to live that way then that’s her decision. Sometimes I even believe that she suffered through it all simply because she thought that he was the only guy out there for her, which I think is ridiculous. My sister can find someone better and more deserving of her.

A few days ago, I finally spoke up because I was no longer going to stand for it. My sisters and I went to the store after the movies just to go walk around. As we were browsing, Monkey shows up out of nowhere. Do you know why he showed up? He basically went looking for my sister just so he could yell at her and scold her. Throughout the store I kept telling him to drop it and that he should not be getting mad at her… for a stupid reason I might add.. yet he continued to terrorize her.

He followed her to the car and was all in her face yelling at her and telling her terrible things while my sister just sat there. That was it, he had too many strikes in my book. I had always pretended to be happy for my sister because I thought that was what she wanted for herself, but this was the last straw, I couldn’t pretend anymore. I was not about to let monkey win this fight and have everything his way.

I got in his face and started arguing with him. I told him to leave my sister alone because she doesn’t have to put up with him or his shit. He then started getting in my face, putting his finger to my face and telling me to stay out of their business because it didn’t concern me. Hey, if it involves my family and their well being, then it becomes my damn business. I told him that he was being a complete dick to my sister and that I didn’t like the way he was treating her. He tried telling me that he was just joking, but no I have had enough of him. He then continued saying other things to me and I back. It was getting out of hand.

I had kept everything in for too long and I was finally unleashing it all to defend my sister. At that moment, I didn’t care that he was way older than me and he could have possibly done something to harm me, I was just trying to protect my sister from her jerk of a boyfriend. My best friend had to pull me into the car so we could leave.

The  next day, my sister finally broke up with him. She told me that she had already thought about leaving him but never had the courage until after that night when she saw me arguing with him. She thanked me for defending her and coming to her aid when she needed it the most. Her heart is broken, but she knew it was the right thing to do because he wasn’t even worth it.

After I had said everything and the argument was over, I was feeling kind of uneasy about it all. Maybe it wasn’t my part to get in the middle of their problems or say anything at all, but now that I think about it.. if I hadn’t done that then my sister would still be in that horrible relationship with an evil monkey.

I surprised myself that night. I am always so timid and afraid, but I guess when someone messes with my loved ones a spark ignites inside of me.

Lost Kitten

About two days ago my sister and I found a kitten in our driveway. It was close to midnight and all we heard was soft meows like it was crying and calling out for someone. Once it gained our trust, we picked it up and brought her into our home.

At this time, my parents were fast asleep so they had no clue what we were doing. Knowing my dad, he would not allow us to bring it into the house or better yet take care of it. We made her feel comfortable in my brother’s old room and left her there while we drove to the store to buy a bit of food and milk.

She is so tiny and I am pretty sure she is just a couple of weeks old. We bought a nursing bottle, warmed up the milk and fed her.

Today we introduced her to our dog and it seems like Muñeca adopted her right away because she became very protective. My mom has already warmed up to her, but my dad is still persistent about getting rid of her. You can bet I’m going to try my hardest to keep her because I can’t abandon her especially being so little, she needs help and I intend to give it to her.

Having another pet brings up a problem though, I’m not good at deciding names.  I’m torn between  Katniss, Khaleesi, and Luna, but I can’t make up my mind.

How can someone resist this cute little thing…

Empty Room

A few weeks ago I got the news from my older brother that he and his girlfriend of some time are expecting a baby! I am going to be an aunt to a little niece or nephew! I am beyond excited for my brother because I believe he will be a great father and with this maybe his life will turn around for the best.

Ever since my brother found out he was going to be a dad, his whole outlook on everything has changed. One of the biggest changes being that he moved out and got his own place. He wanted to have more responsibilities that way he will be prepared when the baby comes. This is both good and bad news.. at least to me it is.

I’m glad he’s going to start a new life with his family because I believe this will be a good change for him. He will no longer have to live with my parents and abide by their rules. He can now be his own person. The bad thing about all this was that he moved out just a week after I came home from school, which means that I will be stuck at home all summer without him.

Him being in this house was the only thing that made living here bearable for me. The only thing I looked forward to was hanging out with him, watching our shows, and maybe have a few drinks and just talk. My brother is the one who truly made me smile while I was home. He made everything seem okay and made me feel like there was nothing wrong with me because we were both so much alike despite being born an entire decade apart. When he was here, I actually looked forward to waking up and being here.

His room is empty now with just a few Call of Duty posters that he left behind. We always played video games together and seeing that he left them just shows how much he really wants to change. His room might have been messy, but it was where we both always hung out and were the best brother and sister duo. Now there’s no point in going to that side of the house since it’s all empty and lonely.

Being home is not the same now.  I have my sisters here, but they’re not my brother.

Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely happy for him and beyond ecstatic that he’s starting a family of his own! I mean I knew that this was going to happen eventually, but I guess I wasn’t prepared for the drastic changes. I’ll still go visit him and see him at his place, but I am going to miss him around here.

Palm Reading

A few weeks ago I went to an event where I had a chance of having my palm read. I am usually skeptical about all of that because I simply believe that I should leave everything to fate and not have it predicted for me or read in a sense. Although I still think that it’s not all true, when I had my palm read, it got me thinking about a whole lot especially my future.

I have always been scared of the future and what it holds. I feel as if I am not prepared for what is coming and that it will all be a disaster. I guess one can say that I have no hope for my future because I am very doubtful of myself and I have no clue what it can bring. It scares me that I don’t know what will happen because I don’t think that I will be able to handle whatever it is. Simply said, the future scares the hell out of me.

I know my palm reading isn’t 100% accurate and I know I shouldn’t believe everything that was said, but I did find some comfort, more or less, in having an idea of what my future will consist of. Apparently there are three main lines on your palm and each represents a different aspect of your life. One represents your family, the other your career, and lastly you have a love line. All of this was according to the woman who read my palm so I’m just going off of what she told me.

Out of the three lines, family seemed more important to me so I asked about that first. I know I may not have the best relationships with my family, but they are the ones that are there for the long run… at least I hope they are in my case. According to her, my family line is very strong since it seems to run straight down my palm without any breakages, that is until it reaches the bottom. Towards the bottom there is a sudden slit through the line which she said could signify that my family will have a sudden experience or news. Whether it be good or bad, she wasn’t able to tell. My family is already a mess, what else can possibly go wrong down the line?

The next was my love line. When tracing my line, she mentioned that it will be a while until I find the person that I will spend the rest of my life with, but that once I do, our relationship will be very strong and hard to break. I guess in a way that’s a good thing for the long haul, but at the moment I’m not surprised. Of course I would be the one to take a long time to find someone, just my luck.

Lastly, she spoke to me about my career line and out of all of them this was the one to worry me the most. First of all, she said that it’s going to take a while before I can establish or have a career. Okay when she told me that right off the bat I started freaking out because I already worry enough about my future career and how I think that it won’t get me anywhere and she basically assured my exact sentiments. Also, my career line is intertwined with my family line, they look like they are stitched together. According to her, this meant that a majority of my career decisions will be based on my family situations. Almost as if saying that my family will dictate how my career turns out or what I do as a career.

So far in life I can honestly say that I have made my decisions based on what my family considered to be right. When I really think about it, none of my decisions were actually made purely by me, but were rather influenced by what my family thought was best for me even if it meant me not being completely happy. I know for a fact that I cannot make a decision without getting my family’s approval first. If that’s how I am today, does that mean that it’s always going to be like that? This woman who has never met me is telling me all this and it sounds closely related to what I already do today. Maybe old habits never actually die. At least that is how I think about it.

If I am never going to be able to make my own decisions in life, then I will never truly be content with myself. I will always be thinking what if. What if I was able to do something better with myself, but wasn’t able to simply because I refused to listen to me and let others dictate my life? I don’t know. Like I said, I am skeptical about those types of things, but this one hit close to home and it just got me thinking about all these outcomes. If what she told me is even a sliver of what my future holds then I am definitely not looking forward to it. Then again, it could just be my mind playing tricks on me and making me over think every single detail. I hate this.

Finals Week

Finals start tomorrow. I’m nervous, scared, and worried.

At the moment, I am studying for my marine biology exam. All of a sudden, I get bombarded with text messages telling me good luck, you’re going to do fine, don’t over think it, relax, you got this, and after reading them I lost it. I’m already worried enough. I know these messages were meant as a confidence boost, but my mind always seems to rearrange them.

I am so close to finishing, I just have to get through this week and it’s summer vacation. I have been studying my ass off, but it seems like it won’t pay off. I am beginning to doubt myself and that is not what I need right now.

With those couple of messages, all their pressure came crashing down. What was suppose to be meant as a nice gesture turned out to be a weight made heavier.

Why do I do this to myself? I beat myself up too much.

I need to focus. I am doing this for me. I know I can do it. I know I can.

 

 

 

Under Pressure

I have been getting inside my head so much lately that it seems to be taking a toll on me. Stress, along with doubt and self loathing have been getting the best of me as of late and it seems to be spiraling out of control.

As always, school has been the most stressful thing for me because I have so much pressure riding on me that is seems nearly impossible to have a minor slip up. Next year being my senior year, it all just accumulated so quickly. I honestly don’t know where these past three years went and where I’m at now. I am so close to finishing, yet it all seems so far away or unaccomplished. The stress for me to do well has been higher than ever now because I need to get to the end of this race, but I feel like I’m not going to make it. My family is glad that I am going to graduate in a mere two semesters, hopefully, but I just feel like I haven’t succeeded at all. Here they are, planning a celebration for my accomplishment, but what have I really accomplished? In my opinion, I have not accomplished anything to their standards.

I feel like my time here has been a total blur and I failed. What if when I’m done here, I don’t have anywhere else to go. Like when I graduate, I’ll just be hopeless and not find a path. Whether it be a career path or continue on an education path. I don’t want all this to be a complete waste. I know I may have really fucked up in some aspects of my education and I completely blame myself for it. I know my mistakes won’t be overlooked, but I truly hope that they don’t decide my future endeavors forever.

Currently, I am doubting myself so much. I can’t do any of this. Who was I kidding? Sometimes I just lay and think why did I ever come here? Was it truly my decision? Or did I just want to be the first in my family to go to school and make something of myself? Did I just want to leave home and family behind? I don’t know! I thought this was what I wanted. I don’t know what I wanted or what I want. I am just so confused.

I am doing my best at school, I really am, but once I graduate and don’t make something out of my life with that degree, I’ll just be a complete failure to my entire family. That’s all I think about. Letting my parents down and not becoming what they want me to be. Wasting their money and not being able to repay them with the better life that I promised them. Not only will I be letting myself down, but I will be devastating my parents to a point where I think they won’t love me anymore. That is honestly how I feel.

This pressure has been getting to a point where I can’t take it anymore. It’s all too much and I fear that it will bring damage to myself. I hate myself for wanting to punish myself again, but it really seems like it’s the only way that it’ll get through to me even if it’s for a moment. It’s all just so difficult.

I know that by me thinking about this unspoken pressure so much, it’s hindering my progress and it won’t let me work to the best of my ability, which is a problem, but how in the world can I stop thinking about all this?! It’s overpowering my mind so much that I can’t even think straight at times.

Spring Break ’13

I finally had a much needed break this past week. One week off from school and one week free of homework and stresses. I was able to completely shut off. I did not think about school or even social networks such as Facebook or this blog, but I will give you a recap here of what went down during spring break.

My best friend had just turned 21 the day before my break so the first thing we did was hang out to celebrate. Naturally, like every other 21 year old in the world, we went laser tagging. It was fun, but not cool when you get beat by a bunch of little punk kids that tell you they won’t kill you but do so anyways. She then had a small get together at her house for friends with drinks. It was nice just hanging out with her especially since I do not get that chance very often. I missed her, but we tried to make up for lost time.

My sister and two nephews also came down that weekend to visit. We took them to a local theme park called Castles and Coasters. It was free because my dad’s company had their annual picnic there. I was finally able to spend time with my nephews and actually give them the attention they deserve. After spending the entire day with my ten year old nephew as a partner, I realized why people say that he is just like me. Honestly he is like a mini me, kind of creepy when I really think about it, but if he’s  me then that means he’s awesome. Since there were no lines, we were able to ride as much as we wanted to. Overall, that was a good St Patrick’s day.

The next day, my sister and I took both of our nephews to a spring training game. One thing I love about spring and possibly the only good thing to come out of Arizona is that baseball teams are here  to train before the regular season. My team, the Dodgers, lost the game, but not by a whole lot so it was still good.

Other highlights of my break were Margaritaville with my older sister. It was my first time actually going out for drinks during happy hour so I took advantage. I did not get drunk, but I did have fun with my sister and other people you randomly meet.

After hitting some baseballs at the batting cages, I finally had a taste of cupcakes from the famous Sprinkles. I tried the peanut butter chocolate and I was in love. It all just reminded me of how much I really enjoy baking and making my own creations and I hope to never stop.

My last day home, my dad grilled some chicken and carne asada. Every time my dad cooks, you know it’s going to be delicious. My mom even got  me a birthday cake. It was a couple of weeks late, but she did not forget about me so that was nice.

All in all, I had a fun spring break. I’m surprised I enjoyed it as much as I did because usually I dread going home for vacations. This time was different, though, but in a good way. Now I’m back at school for the second half of the semester. Time to get back into gear and kick ass.

I do have a feeling, though, that I will get distracted because I have my own copy of The Hobbit now and I know for a fact that I’ll be watching it a bunch of times, you can bet on that.