I am so close to being done. There is just so many things I can’t take right now and they are starting to take a toll.

For starters, I will not be going back to school. At least not this semester. Do you know how disappointing that is?! Other people might think that I’m happy with this decision, but I’m really not. I haven’t even had the courage to tell my parents that this is my decision because I know how they’ll react. They’ll be sad and disappointed and I know this because I already heard it. Apparently my parents have been talking to my brother about what’s suppose to be MY future behind my back. They believe that those four years I was away at school are now going to be a complete loss and that I am now just going to become a dropout with a minimum wage job. I certainly do not want that for myself.

They need to understand that I need to regroup. I don’t think they see how hard it was on me seeing my friends graduate and now have great jobs. It still hurts. They’re all becoming teachers or getting jobs as psychologists and microbiologists. It sucks!

None of this was suppose to happen. My entire plan was screwed and now I don’t even have a clue where to go from here. I hate when other people tell me that it’ll happen in its own time or that I am just taking a small detour. No! All of this was suppose to be done with, but I went and fucked it all up for myself. Maybe it will happen eventually, but at the current mood I am in, it all seems impossible and I have no one else to blame but myself.

This was suppose to be the one thing that I could control. The one thing that I was suppose to be good at, but I don’t even know where I went wrong.

I guess it’s mainly frustration. I am frustrated that I couldn’t get things done or that I don’t even know where my future is heading. It’s really frustrating knowing that everyone had high hopes for me and I went on and let them all down. It’s even more frustrating when  other family members (aunts, uncles) remind me that my parents almost went completely broke for me. First of all, how the hell do they know that?!  And secondly, can they stop reminding me! I already know what i cost them and I feel bad for it. They would speak highly of me to others, almost as if bragging, but now what can they say? I’m going nowhere. That must be embarrassing for them and I hate that I am the one putting them through that because I didn’t do my part.

Overall, I am just extremely frustrated and disappointed in myself.

Summer So Far..

It has been well over two months since I have posted anything on here and I can honestly say I missed it. For the past couple of months I have been trying to stay on the down low for various reasons, but now I think it’s time that I came back to update and possibly vent a little.

As you all can probably guess, I am currently on summer vacation. Ending this semester in particular was rather tough for me because this was suppose to be the year I graduated from college, but obviously that did not happen. I had convinced everyone, including myself, that I would be done with school and be on my way to finding a career as soon as possible. Apparently I was just kidding myself and everyone around me.

I tried to avoid social media as much as possible during that time because a lot of people I knew and went to school with were posting about their graduations and how they all successfully completed school. That was suppose to be me too. Seeing everyone’s success and happiness just made me feel miserable. I envied them because they were accomplishing their goals and living their dream, in a way, but I was nowhere near that. I could have been rejoicing like them that I would no longer have to take classes or exams, but instead I sulked and felt sorry for myself.

I just really hated feeling like that. The feeling that my dreams were far from my reach. I was really embarrassed and ashamed. It feels like nothing ever goes my way and it is starting to get on my nerves.

Changing the subject. My sister is currently seven months pregnant and she will be having a little girl. She is going to be my first niece and I am so excited! Honestly, that is probably the best thing that is going on in my life right now.

I remember at first I was furious because I don’t like the baby’s father, but now I’m learning to accept it. Seeing how happy this has made my sister is what it’s all about. For once I see her smile more often, despite being tired all the time, and I am truly happy for her. I know she will be a great mother.

Changing the subject again. So I tried to use these past couple of months that I have been off to better myself. I have tried to accept the fact that I am not done with school. The fact that I am not the best looking person. The fact that I might not be stable and what I can do to help myself. The fact of the matter is that I did not come to terms with anything! I feel like I might have made a few things worse.

Ever since my summer vacation started, I have been stuck at home. I’ve had no interaction with my friends from back home or even gone out as much. I have become perfectly comfortable staying in the comfort of my home or room. I do not find it necessary to do anything. It’s not that I am being completely lazy, it’s just that I feel no motivation to do anything or even talk to people. The closest thing I can think of is being anti social. I avoid being around people at all costs and I never used to be like that. I don’t even want to hang out with my own family. I feel obligated to go to family gatherings because I am forced to make conversation and interact. I don’t find that interesting anymore and I know that’s not normal. I would much rather be in my room just reading, entering a whole new world.

It is much easier to keep to myself, this way I won’t be a bother or even a nuisance. For example, in a few hours we are heading to California for Independence Day to spend it with the majority of the family. I am dreading this trip. It is hard for me to believe that it has come to a point where I don’t “like” my family and their presence annoys me. I was never like this and I don’t know why all of a sudden I am. It feels like lately the whole interaction thing has become a chore or hassle for me.

I could go into so much more detail, but for now I will leave it at that. You have now been updated.


Spring Break 2014

Spring break was both a success and a fail. It was equally fun as it was crappy. I had a week of boredom, some fun activities, and not to mention drama.

Let me start off with the good things that actually came out of spring break. Two of the best things that happened all week were that I didn’t have to be up so early and I got to see my nephew every single day. Seeing my nephew every day really brought a smile to my face because he is so precious. After spending an entire week with him and paying so much attention to him, I think I am in line to be his favorite aunt.

The first weekend I was home, my family and I actually did activities together which is surprising to me. One day we went to the zoo and the other we went to baseball city where I was able to meet some baseball players. The rest of the week I spent at home because everyone had to work, but I tried to make the best of it by cooking or baking and watching wrestling. I also watched Catching Fire and Frozen so many times. The songs were stuck in my head all week.

The last night of spring break, my best friend had a party at her apartment so I spent it with some of my closest friends. It was really fun. We played video games, had drinks, played beer pong, and just had a great time. I guess at some point we were having way too much fun because the downstairs neighbors complained.

So those were the main highlights of my spring break. Now for the downfall of my week at home.

That first Saturday I was home, another fight/argument occurred between my sister and the Evil Monkey. He is still doing bad in my book. Again, these arguments happen out of stupid reasons, but when they do happen they are not pretty. We were out in a restaurant and of course it made a scene. The whole car ride back home everyone was silent until we got home. Once we were home, my sister and I went inside, but the Monkey stayed outside to argue with my other sister, his girlfriend. One of the windows was open and I was able to hear everything they were yelling about. He basically gave her an ultimatum, him or our family. Once she came inside I tried convincing her not to leave with him, but she just shoved me aside.

My sisters and I were at a standstill, just mad at one another and like always I was in the middle. This argument couldn’t have happened at a worst time because the next day was the day my sister told the rest of the family that she is in fact pregnant.

These were everyone’s reactions: My brother was happy simply because that is his sister and he knows that she will be a good mother. My other sister acted like she didn’t care, she even said that she would not accept the baby simply because of who the father is. My mom cried, she did not want this for her. My dad, on the other hand, said nothing. He was silent the entire time and hasn’t really spoken to my sister since she revealed the news to them. Who knows what kind of emotions he can he harboring, but it can’t be good. Basically, my family had mixed emotions about the whole thing and the majority seem to be in denial.

My reaction? Well I am happy for my sister and only my sister. I honestly don’t believe he will be a good father. Part of me hopes he proves me wrong, but another part of me wants to see him show who he really is and possibly fail. Is that bad? I know for a fact that my sister will be a great mom and I will support her no matter what, but I will not support him. I am just going to look out for my family and my future niece or nephew because that is all that matters to me.

Anyways. Spring break is over and now I am back at school. It was definitely full of ups and downs, but at least I got to sleep in and not worry about school!


I turned 22 years old yesterday.

To be honest. I am glad that I made it to be 22. There were many times when I didn’t think that I would make it this far because of events in my life, but I did make it. I look back and think, why did I ever want to end my life so soon? Was I really in that bad of a place? At the current moment, my life is nowhere near better and I am still struggling with depression, but I am learning how to cope with it all in a much healthier way. I am not saying that I don’t think about self harm or suicide, but I am learning to put it in the back of my mind and trying to move forward.

I have learned to accept that there is hope for everyone, including me. I now know that I have to think more positive if I want to make it anywhere. Negativity will only hold me back and that was what was happening to me this whole time. I would always let negative thoughts control my mind and I would convince myself that there was nothing good to look forward to. It was all my mindset, which hasn’t always been the best one.

I might not be where I want to be, but that’s life. Nothing is ever going to go according to plan and we just have to learn to roll with the punches. Life is always going to give us things that we can’t handle or something that might hurt us, but we can try to learn from those occurrences.

I know I’ve only been on this planet for 22 years and there is still so much more that is going to be thrown at me. I’m always going to have struggles, the only thing is that I am going to have to overcome them in any way that I can and keep my head up.

Relapses and stresses are bound to happen, but it is up to me to know what to do when those times arise. It is time to move onward. I know I’m nowhere near getting better and I know that I’m still going to suffer from my problems, but I am at least trying to have a better perspective.

The Call

Last night, I finally made the call I have been dreading to make. I called my grandma. It might sound so simple, but for me it was probably one of the hardest things I had to do.

Ever since my grandpa passed away last year in mid December, I have been afraid to call their phone or better yet my grandmother. It has been two months since I personally talked to my grandma and that was at the funeral. These past couple of months I have been going off of what others tell me, that she is fine and doing okay. I didn’t bother to check for myself.

Why have I been so afraid to make the call? Well, every time I would call my grandpa would answer. He never failed to answer the phone when I called. I would talk to him then to my grandma. I knew that the next time I called their house he would not answer and I didn’t think I was prepared to face that.

My grandmother has been the one dealing with an empty trailer and living all by herself, so why was I being so selfish? I was more worried about myself and how I would deal with it than check in and see for myself that my beloved grandma was well. I went from calling my grandparents at least once a week to having no communication with my grandma for approximately two months. What kind of granddaughter was I becoming? My grandma would always tell me that my phone calls made her day and even if we only talked for five minutes, well that was better than nothing. How could I be so stupid and completely neglect a simple phone call?

I had been putting that call off for far too long now so I finally did it last night. While the phone was ringing I couldn’t help but panic a little in my mind. Someone eventually picked up the other line and it was none other than my grandma. The happiness in her voice as soon as she heard me was completely noticeable. We talked about school and how she went to the swap meet to shop. It was going well so far and I thought I could get through it okay.

The entire time I was really hoping that she wouldn’t bring up or even mention my grandpa, but that didn’t last very long. At one point she told me that she was doing fine even though my grandpa is no longer with us, but you could still hear the hurt in her voice. She then began talking about how it is almost her time to leave since she is turning 76 this Sunday. I could not bear to hear that. My own grandma was talking about her inevitable death and how she is expecting it. I tried telling her to not think that way and that she still has so much more time, but she would refute all of my comments. She kept repeating that the older someone is, the closer they are to dying. I really did not want to have that conversation. I can’t even begin to accept that idea, but it seems like she has and it is kind of depressing. I tried to change the subject as quick as possible, but not before she told me that she has come to terms with it all.

What started off as a good conversation about catching up with my grandma soon turned out to be what I was dreading to hear. I was really hoping to get my grandma’s mind off of all that, but you can tell that she is clearly still hurting and hearing it all hurts me.

I might have waited too long in calling my grandma because it seemed like she still had everything built up inside of her. If I wasn’t too afraid and called her sooner then maybe I would have helped her get through it a little easier.  A simple phone call can make a huge difference, but I didn’t see that at the time.

I can’t keep letting fear make decisions for me. Sure, it wasn’t the most exciting phone call and it made me sad, but I know for a fact I made my grandma smile even if it was only for a millisecond. Maybe just hearing us can help heal her heart and take the pain away. I wasn’t the only one affected by this and I should realize that my grandma may need me now more than ever.

WWE Weekend

About a week ago was probably one of the best weekends I’ve had in a while! I have been wanting to have weekends like this, but they were usually out of reach because there was nothing going on.

On Saturday, I got to go to a WWE event in Phoenix. I am probably one of the biggest wrestling fans and it was so awesome! I am also probably one of the oldest fans but that just means that I am faithful to the sport of pro wrestling. Anyways, we went to the event about three hours early so we could grab lunch and maybe a few drinks along the way. As we were walking to the Hard Rock Cafe, this man that looked so familiar was walking in our direction. It took a while for it to register, but he was Big E, a WWE wrestler. We were so shocked that he was just walking out there all on his own that we didn’t know what to do. He had passed us and our opportunity was almost up. That is until my brother called his name and he turned around. It really was him and we were able to take pictures with him. This happened upon arrival and we were not even expecting it. It was a great start to our Saturday.

Once we were inside the arena, I bought a new wrestling shirt. One of my favorite wrestlers, CM Punk, even though he is no longer with the company. You know, just adding more “girly” shirts to my wardrobe that some people like to call tom boyish. We took our seats and were ready for it all to start. The best thing about this event was that it was a house show and not a live show, which meant there wasn’t going to be a TV broadcast. It was a house show and those shows are usually the best because they are nonstop wrestling and no talking segments like there would be on TV. One match began and as soon as it ended, another began, and that was how it was for the next three hours. We had the opportunity to see match ups that would never happen live. The unpredictability was the best part of it all. 

The next day, my family barbecued some of the best food. I tried not to stuff myself so much, but I couldn’t help it. I miss homemade food. That same night I went out with my best friend just me and her. We went bowling and got to talk. Lately I have been needing someone to talk to so I definitely needed that outing.

There was no class that Monday because of President’s Day. One of the good things to come out of Arizona is Spring Training. Over half of the baseball teams come and prepare themselves for the season close to where my parents live. That morning I went to the Dodgers spring training camp and got the see all the players practice. I even got a few more autographs to add to my collection.

Overall, it was a great weekend. It was stress free and extremely fun. I wish there was more weekends like that one, but I will take what I can get.

Online Connection

So there’s this guy. You don’t hear that as much coming from me, but bear with me and this post. I have not seen him in person yet reason being because I met him online.

I know that meeting people online might not always be the safest thing, but I did do my best to get to know him before I actually started befriending him. We have been talking for the past three months and we have developed a good friendship. We met on twitter and bonded over our mutual like for wrestling and dislike of a certain wrestler. Over this entire time that we have been talking, we have come to realize that we have so much in common. Sometimes I think that it might be too good to be true simply because it is rare when I meet someone who has the same interests as me and believe me they’re not very common things.

We both have kind of started building this connection with each other, but I’m afraid to take the next step. See over the time we have been talking I have developed a slight crush on him, but it scares me to think that this could ever come out to be something more. Especially considering we have never met in person. At the same time, though, I rather like talking online a little more than in person because it gives me the opportunity to truly be me. Whereas if I ever met a guy in person I would not talk to them at all or pretend to be someone completely different. So if this guy were to develop some sort of feelings for me, which I highly doubt,  then it would be for who I am, if that makes sense. I am a much truer version of myself online simply because I know the people on the other side don’t see me or my appearances. I am not afraid of judgement or criticism online.

But even when I do meet someone that I am comfortable with, I am still afraid to put myself out there. You see, he has already expressed to me that he wants to further our friendship to maybe even meeting one day. I don’t keep rejecting him, I just keep telling him to give us time to get to know one another better because I know I’m not ready for anything like that. There’s nothing wrong in that and he is okay with it.

Even though there is a viable connection between the two of us, I am still afraid. I fear that if we ever do meet, he might not like what he sees and will regret ever getting to know me. My self esteem is so low that I keep thinking that anyone would be able to find someone better than me. What if we meet, he sees that I have scars and it drives him off. This is something I fear with every person I meet, but it’s something that is my own fault. I also fear that I wouldn’t see him as much as I would like if anything were to develop. He lives in Washington state, but at least we are on the same coast.

Anyway. I am perfectly fine with just being friends for now. It seems like everyone these days wants to be in a committed relationship, but not me. There’s no rush on my part and if there was, I doubt that I would ever meet someone in person. I guess I have the internet to thank for that. My true self is put out there without a mask and other individuals seem to notice.


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