It seems that every family has its own religion they follow or believe in something of their own, including my own family. Ever since I was a small child I remember being raised in a very religious household and to this day, that same religion is being pressed upon me some way or another. I don’t want to start any kind of debate on what is right or wrong, but I just want to get out what I am currently dealing with.
I would have to say that my mother is the most religious person in our family and she has always wanted her beliefs to be our beliefs. Basically, I have attended a christian church ever since I was born so I was raised with the beliefs of God, heaven, hell, forgiveness, holy spirit, etc. I was taught to accept Jesus Christ as my savior and eventually get baptized to the point where all my sins would be washed away and I would start anew.
It seemed as though I was at church 24/7 because we were really involved in that community. I ended up making some really good friends there that I grew up with so I couldn’t really complain. I was raised in this religion so when I really think about it, I never really had the choice. Those beliefs were imprinted in my mind since I was little and there was never the opportunity to leave simply because I knew that it would have been considered morally wrong.
Once we all moved to a different state, it was difficult finding that same community of people again. We tried finding churches to attend, but none seemed to work for me. My mom found one and she attends on a regular basis. I tried it out and then later realized that this was my opportunity to create a different way of thinking.
I slowly began to deviate from the christian church and all its beliefs. My taste in music completely changed to a point where if people listened to it, better yet my mom, they would think that I am a devil worshiper. By the way, I am not a devil worshiper, but that is the common stereotype of rock, heavy metal, and all those types of music. I began using different language, mostly inappropriate. I became an angry person where the littlest things would irritate me. The crowd of people I hung out with could have been considered a bad influence on me. I started to drink more than usual and even took up smoking for a bit. My entire personality changed to a point where I lost myself and had no clue who I was anymore. Granted, I became depressed, suicidal and self harmed, but I truly believe that would have happened regardless of religion because of what I was struggling with internally. In other words, my way of living became a hazard and my outlook on life was blurred.
I still remembered everything that I learned in church and how God was there for me no matter what. How He would forgive me no matter how bad I got. People kept telling me that my struggles were a test and that in order for me to get closer to God, then I would learn from my mistakes. I could not bring myself to believe this. I still can’t. I feel like I have steered completely off the road that I can’t even bring myself back to being okay or with believing in faith. Almost as if everything I learned or what my mom taught me was a made up story. Nowadays, I find it really hard to believe that there is someone out there that truly cares for me and wants me to better myself. I mean, how can a God ever love someone like me after everything I have done. I knew what was considered right and wrong before His eyes, but I still went behind His back and did it anyway to please myself.
I will admit, though, there was a point in my life where I was so sure that I would be going to heaven and that was my only option, but now I don’t even know. Considering how my mom talks about religion and what activities are wrong, it seems like I might be going the other way, meaning hell and even though I enjoy what I do, that still scares the hell out of me. It still terrifies me because of what I would hear about it when I would go to church. You see, I still fully understand what’s at stake, but something in me seems to not care even if I do. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s just how I feel.
My mother knows none of this and if she did, she would not oppose to me being prayed for. In fact, she would insist because I know she does not want me spending an eternity in misery, at least that’s how she puts it.
In the back of my mind, I knew this was all wrong and that it would come back and haunt me in the future. It is currently haunting me. I grew up with a mindset that could not broken, so to say, but somehow I found I way to completely defile it. I am at a crossroads where I don’t know what to do or even what direction to go. Do I even deserve this unconditional love people talk about or have I lost out on every opportunity to turn this around? Have I reached a point of no return and disappointment or do I still have a chance..Do I want that chance?
I am very doubtful of my personal views that I confuse even myself.