Wow. It’s been over a year since I have written anything on this blog and honestly, I don’t even know why I ever stopped. I look back at the year that I have been away from here and think, why did I put this outlet aside for so long when I needed it most? Maybe if I had stuck to this like before, then maybe some things would not have happened.
Anyway, I am not going to go into every single detail of what has occurred since last May, but I will tell you the basics of why I am suddenly coming back.
One of the biggest things I would talk about on here was my constant struggle with school. Well, I am not proud to say that I have yet to finish and earn my degree. I want to go back, believe me, but I am afraid. I have already failed once, what if it happens again? What if I am not cut out for that major? I have already completed over half of the courses, but what if that is not my calling or even my thing, you know? I need to go back and finish, though, because I am sick and tired of being a disappointment to not only my parents, but everyone around me. They all keep telling me that I will finish eventually and that is the only thing that matters, no matter how long it takes, but I don’t see it that way.
I know I have time and as long as I reach the goal, then I should be fine, but how long before I completely give up on myself? There are times when I see no hope for myself, no future, no anything, so what is the point?
I feel like my depression has gotten involved in everything I try to do. Though I have tried to rid myself of it, it will not budge and is just hanging over me.
I am still a professional at hiding it, even though it still controls my entire life, but it’s not like anyone would even care. I’ve realized that as long as my family does not see any physical harm on myself done by me, then everything is peachy. As if that’s the only thing I would do to signify my sadness or as if I ever did it for attention, which I did not. They do not realize that there are plenty of other methods that help with the coping, but I refuse to ever let any of them know the truth about my current status.
A few of the reasons I would self harm in the past were because I was angry with myself, I did not feel worthy, and because I had a low self esteem. I am a bit saddened to admit that these reasons are still very much alive. Maybe even more than before.
Plenty has been going on in my head that I don’t know how to control it at times, not in a healthy way at least. There is so much more that needs to be said, which is why I am coming back to writing. It possibly is the only thing that could help me.