I’m back!

Wow. It’s been over a year since I have written anything on this blog and honestly, I don’t even know why I ever stopped. I look back at the year that I have been away from here and think, why did I put this outlet aside for so long when I needed it most? Maybe if I had stuck to this like before, then maybe some things would not have happened.

Anyway, I am not going to go into every single detail of what has occurred since last May, but I will tell you the basics of why I am suddenly coming back.

One of the biggest things I would talk about on here was my constant struggle with school. Well, I am not proud to say that I have yet to finish and earn my degree. I want to go back, believe me, but I am afraid. I have already failed once, what if it happens again? What if I am not cut out for that major? I have already completed over half of the courses, but what if that is not my calling or even my thing, you know? I need to go back and finish, though, because I am sick and tired of being a disappointment to not only my parents, but everyone around me. They all keep telling me that I will finish eventually and that is the only thing that matters, no matter how long it takes, but I don’t see it that way.

I know I have time and as long as I reach the goal, then I should be fine, but how long before I completely give up on myself? There are times when I see no hope for myself, no future, no anything, so what is the point?

I feel like my depression has gotten involved in everything I try to do. Though I have tried to rid myself of it, it will not budge and is just hanging over me.

I am still a professional at hiding it, even though it still controls my entire life, but it’s not like anyone would even care. I’ve realized that as long as my family does not see any physical harm on myself done by me, then everything is peachy. As if that’s the only thing I would do to signify my sadness or as if I ever did it for attention, which I did not. They do not realize that there are plenty of other methods that help with the coping, but I refuse to ever let any of them know the truth about my current status.

A few of the reasons I would self harm in the past were because I was angry with myself, I did not feel worthy, and because I had a low self esteem. I am a bit saddened to admit that these reasons are still very much alive. Maybe even more than before.

Plenty has been going on in my head that I don’t know how to control it at times, not in a healthy way at least. There is so much more that needs to be said, which is why I am coming back to writing. It possibly is the only thing that could help me.



Where’s the boyfriend?

“When are you getting a boyfriend?- My mom, earlier today. I hate questions like these. They make me feel so pressured and that there is something wrong with me.

She was being serious. She reminded me that I am in fact 23 years old and have yet to bring a boy home to meet my parents. I tried to play it off cool like telling her that it’s not that big a deal and by answering with the very useful “I don’t know” when she asked if there were any admirers or potential boyfriends. That was all I could come up with because as soon as I heard the question, many thoughts started racing through my mind.

This is what I really wanted to say: Are you seriously asking me this question right now? Of course there are no admirers or potential boyfriends! Have you seen what I look like?? Stop pretending like you actually believe there is hope for me because we all know that is not true. I’m pretty sure even you know that it’s a long shot for me to even have a boyfriend at the moment. Especially considering how shallow and superficial guys these days are. Yeah, I don’t see it happening anytime soon. I’m sorry I’m not pretty enough to have all these guys chasing after me. I’m sorry I can’t lose all the weight you want me to so that I can be considered desirable. I’m sorry that I am into “guy stuff” and all that nerdy stuff because according to you, no guy will ever find that in the least bit attractive. I’m just sorry I’m not the perfect girl that every guy wants. I know what I look like and I know that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but can you please stop reminding me for goodness sake! I already feel crappy about myself enough without you constantly pointing out my many flaws.

She then started asking me what my goals are. Not career goals, which I think are important, or anything like that, but rather by what age do I plan on getting married or having kids. In other words, when is my cut off time. How the hell am I suppose to know?? It’s like she wants me to have everything figured out already and get a move on with it all.

It makes me feel like a disappointment all over again. First, my college career is at a pause because I’m still trying to figure things out and now I can’t even seem to have a boyfriend at the right time or at my age. To my parents, I’m just doing life the wrong way and it bugs them. I never knew there was a right or wrong way of doing life, but apparently in my family there is and I am way out of line. I can’t get anything right.

Maybe there is something wrong with me. I already have a very low self esteem so I know that’s not helping. There are times when I put myself out there, but it always backfires. I try being more confident and outgoing, but it just never works in my case. I don’t know what else I’m suppose to do.

Dead Monkey

If you threaten my family by any means, know that you are dead to me and have no way of winning me back. I don’t care if it wasn’t mentioned directly to me, but if I see with my own eyes that you did threaten us, there is no going back.

This might’ve not been the right thing to do but I read some of my sisters text messages because I was curious to what the Evil Monkey was saying to her after the incident.

Here’s the incident. Both my niece and nephew were playing with their toys near each other. There is a slight difference in age, not sure if that matters in this situation, but my nephew is one year and four months while my niece is seven months old. My nephew likes to play rough and throw things all over the place so what he is going to do next is always unpredictable. In this specific situation he started swinging a toy and it accidentally hit my niece.

Her father, known as the Evil Monkey, went ballistic! She didn’t even start crying right away, but he picked her up and got away from us so fast that he made it seem like we were diseased or something. He started pointing fingers and saying that it was all my fault, as if I knew what my nephew was going to do and could have prevented it. Give me a break! In the process of behaving like a complete lunatic, he made my nephew cry because he scared him. I grabbed a hold of him and tried to calm him down, but it was no use.

After running away and causing a scene, the Evil Monkey apparently called my sister to talk shit about us. This is what I heard from my other sister, who was standing next to her when the call came in. Apparently I was the cause of everything and I laughed while it was happening. When I heard that he said I was laughing, that threw me over the edge and pissed me off. I would NEVER laugh at the sight of my little kiddos getting hurt. If anything it hurts ME more to see them crying and in pain.

It was an innocent bump to her head. There was no need for him to rush her to the emergency room. I think he was just being over dramatic. I don’t think he understands that there is going to be bumps and bruises as she grows up and he is not going to be able to prevent them all. I get that you want to protect your daughter, but you don’t have to make us seem like the bad guys just to make your story plausible because maybe if you weren’t so addicted to your phone then maybe you would see that your daughter was in “danger”.. that’s how he put it.

So after “accidentally” reading her text messages, I found out that he considers us to be shitty, careless people. He doesn’t truly trust us, doesn’t want us around their daughter and he told my sister we would pay, as in he would get back at us.

Yup. There is no coming back from that. They don’t know that I know this so he is acting as if nothing ever happened or that he ever said anything, but I see right through him. I knew he never actually liked us, but that’s okay because I never really liked him either.

Ever since all this happened about a week ago or so, he has not let us hold their daughter or play with her unless he was around. That is not fair to us. I just think that he could have handled things differently, but instead he wanted to act childish and overreact. He is only making things worse for himself, though, because we are seeing his real self.

Oh, and another thing too. You can talk shit to me, tell me whatever the hell you want, but don’t you even dare say anything to my mother. You are not allowed to demean her or tell her off. If you must, say it to me because I can go ahead and say things back. It makes me so angry that the Evil Monkey said and did something to my mom. My mom won’t tell us exactly what he did, but just the thought of him even coming near my mom or telling her something awful angers the hell out of me.

I’m not playing nice anymore. I am no longer going to have a smile on my face when he is around for the sake of others. I am definitely not going to tolerate any of his nonsense anymore. The Evil Monkey is nobody to me. I’m done with him. He can go bye bye.

My Muñeca ♥

Muñeca had been my pet dog for the last 15 years. She was given to me by my grandma when I was just eight years old. Out of all the puppies, she was the only one that came out entirely white and fluffy. She was perfect for us.

We knew that she was already old and that her time was possibly coming because for the past few years she was already walking very slowly and could not even run anymore. This last year, too, I noticed that her hearing was becoming impaired because she would not hear me when I would call her or she would jump scared when I came up from behind.

She was my baby so whenever someone would mention to me that her time was near, I would just ignore them and walk away, a little bit mad and irritated.

This past weekend, we all left for a small vacation away in California and left her at home. Of course we made sure that she would be fed and would always have clean water while we were away. The day before we left, though, my mom noticed something off about Muñeca, but didn’t mention anything to me because she did not want me to worry about it during my birthday weekend.

We returned home on Sunday night and I was not expecting to find what I found. I went straight to the backyard to say hi to her and tell her we were back, but what I found was heart wrenching. My baby was laying in her dog house.. struggling to breathe. As soon as she saw me she tried to get out, but her weak legs could barely hold her up. She made it out of her house, toppled over and collapsed right at my feet. I dropped to my knees and held her, tears streaming down my face.

I knew the time had come. Her chest was slowly moving up and down. She looked so helpless. It’s almost as if she decided to wait until we got home before passing away. I could hear her soft whimpers as I began to sob uncontrollably. At that point, we knew she wasn’t going to make it through the night. I told her I loved her dearly, carried her into her dog house, and tucked her in with her blanket. All I could do was make her last moments as comfortable as possible.

I could not sleep that night, especially knowing what I would wake up to. About half an hour past midnight, I heard Muñeca bark and howl right outside my window. It was a rare sound, none like I have ever heard before and that’s when I knew.. she was saying ‘goodbye’. My baby, Muñeca, was gone.

She lived 15 years with me. My little fluff-ball. She was like my therapist. When I was sad, I would always hold and hug her and she would make me feel better. She would lick my face almost as if saying that everything was going to be alright. Muñeca knew my deepest, darkest secrets.  I could talk to her about anything and I knew that she would never judge me. She was there for the toughest and roughest parts of my life that I’ve had so far and I knew I could always count on her to put a smile on my face. There were even times when I would face time with her when I was away at school.

Unfortunately, Muñeca passed away on my grandma’s birthday.

I have so many memories of Muñeca from the way her hair covered her eyes when it got so long she could barely see, the way she would hide to avoid baths, the way I would celebrate her birthdays, the way it seemed like she wouldn’t chew but rather swallow her treats whole, the way I would sneak her into the house, and just so many more.

She is now buried in our backyard along with her favorite blanket. I plan on planting a tree right above her resting spot so she can have some shade during the summer. It’s really strange now looking towards the backyard and not seeing her. I get home from work expecting her to be jumping and waiting for me at the door only to be reminded that she is no longer here. I am heart broken.

It might sound weird that I am this affected by my pet, but Muñeca was a huge part of my life and she helped me through a lot. I was really attached to her and loved her dearly. She was part of our family.

Rest in peace, my Muñeca. You gave me 15 years of smiles, laughter, and happiness. I will miss you. ♥

iPhone 133


My 23rd birthday will definitely be one that I remember for a long time.

I originally had a fun, worry free, birthday weekend planned. Along with my family, we took a trip to California for four days. Medieval Times and Disneyland were our main destinations.

We arrived at California on Thursday and went directly to the beach, which is the first thing we always do. My sisters and I were having lunch at a restaurant along the coast when we got a call from our mom. She couldn’t even get the words out before passing the phone to my dad. We were clueless to what was happening, but already knew that this call was not going to bring good news. My grandma was taken to the hospital in an ambulance because she had stopped breathing. At that moment, my heart sunk. I couldn’t believe that was happening.

The rest of our lunch, what little we did eat, was eaten in silence. My grandma and I are so close and I did not even want to think about the possibility of her passing. What made it a little worse was that both of our birthdays were happening within the next four days. It was too much. Fortunately, we received a call a few hours later. The doctors were able to resuscitate my abuelita. Her entire body ached and was full of bruises due to the chest compressions and because she had collapsed on a concrete floor. She was not in the best condition, but she was breathing on her own and under good care. That was one of the biggest scares of my life. I am not ready to lose my abuelita.

Our tickets were already purchased so we continued with our original plans, even though we all wanted to be with my grandma at her side. That night we went to Medieval Times. It has dinner and a show. They treat you as if you were living during the medieval era from the way they talk to way you eat. For example at dinner, you have no utensils and have to eat with your bare hands. It was kind of nice, though, being called ‘my lady’ the whole night 🙂 Then there’s a jousting tournament complete with horses and knights in shining armor. My section was represented by the green knight, who, by the way, presented me with a flower at the start of the tournament. Our knight made it to the second round before being taken out. I really enjoyed it, though. If you haven’t been, I would strongly recommend going. They have several castles across the country.

The next day, February 27th, was my 23rd birthday and I was on my way to spend it at the happiest place on earth.. Disneyland! It had been over a decade since the last time I went to Disneyland so it was long overdue. It was a Friday so not many people were there in the morning, which meant no waiting in lines. We got on the majority of the rides in no time, some even twice! Star Tours, Space Mountain, and Indiana Jones were some of my favorite rides. It was so cool because they gave me a button for my birthday so I was getting random ‘Happy Birthday’s’ all day. Plus, I felt like a kid all over again. I got super excited when I would see my favorite characters, I would dance along and sing along during the parades or shows, I was being myself and I was not afraid of being judged.

I was a little bummed, though, when I found out that there was an age limit of 12 and under to join the Jedi Academy. Whatever, I would have joined Darth Vader and the dark side anyways. Also, the one thing that bugged me the most the whole day at Disneyland was that there was rarely anything Beauty and the Beast related, not even at the gift shops. They are suppose to have all the princesses and classic movies at this place and Belle, my favorite Disney princess, was nowhere to be found. I was looking forward to meeting Gaston too, but that didn’t happen. I only saw a glimpse of Belle and the Beast during the ‘Fantasmic’ show, but you can bet that I was the happiest person during those ten seconds.

My birthday ended, but it was truly the most magical day. (Talk about being super cheesy, right?).

The next two days we were in California were spent at the hospital with my grandma. She didn’t even want to talk about her incident, but rather about our trip and all the fun we had. They discharged her from the hospital on Sunday before we left. She is now at home and doing a little bit better. I just hope nothing like this happens again for a very long time.

Something else happened when we got home, but I’ll write about that in a separate post. For now I just want to report that I am in fact a year older, a big kid at heart, and nowhere near having my life in order.


It’s my first post of the new year. Yay! And it only took me until the very last day of the first month of the new year. Not bad or more like about time, right?.

It is currently past four in the morning and I am listening to one of my favorite bands.. Avenged Sevenfold, or A7X for short. I would normally be reading at this time, but I don’t have any new reading material and I don’t have the next volume in the current manga I am reading so, here I am.

A7X has been my favorite band for quite some time now. It is the only type of music I actually listen to, not all that mainstream type of crap people put out. I often find myself not knowing who these new artists are or even some of the more popular songs. Okay I like some, but for the most part.. No thank you.

Anyways, Avenged has always been my go to band for any type of way I was feeling. I would listen to them when I was mad, depressed, sad, or even happy. It’s a cliche, i know, but their music really does speak to me and keeps me going at times. It’s funny because the way I look, dress or act, no one would think I listen to that type of music.

That was a little off topic, but hey now you know who my favorite band is,

2015 so far has been a little meh, but it’s only the first month so who knows, it could turn around. I really, really. hope it does.

I am still working in a department store and it’s not all that bad. Holidays sucked that’s for sure. I thought holidays were suppose to bring out the best in people, but to me it seemed like it only brought out the ugly. I know it’s not the best job, but I like the people I work with and it’s helping me save up money.. at least it was.

Out of nowhere, my parents decided to start charging for rent and they are not being very lenient with the amount. As of this year, I am basically working for my parents since that is where the majority of my paycheck goes. I do get where they might be coming from, though. I am 22 years old and I know not everything in life is free, but what is bugging me the most out of this whole situation is that it came out of the blue. Like, they just dropped it on me and didn’t even consider if I could handle it. I don’t get paid very much, you know.

It’s cutting it way too close that I am even considering getting another job. Just the other day I went to return a couple of shirts at a store just so I could have an extra twenty dollars in my pocket. Pathetic, right? It’s times like these that make me regret taking another semester off, but I mean school is the reason I am working. So I can take that burden off of my parents, but how do they expect me to do that when I have nothing to spare.

This is all extremely frustrating. One way or another, I will figure out how to deal with this. This is the real world and even though I am still living in my parent’s home, I am on my own.

Here’s to 2015! May this year bring me joy, even in the littlest way possible, and not so much misery.

Happy Holidays?

This year’s holidays are not turning out to be so jolly.

First of all, my decision to take a semester off and save up some money is not being fulfilled. I have been working and working, but ask me how much money I have saved. it’s a joke, really. I don’t even know if I am returning to any kind of school next year because I haven’t even looked into any of it. Even if I did, I don’t have the money and I definitely do not want to ask my parents for anymore help. Also, I forgot to take into consideration that loans have a grace period and after that time is up then I have to start paying back. Well, I got the letter and there’s that. I am screwed.

I just feel so defeated and I have no motivation.This was all suppose to be taken care of by now, but I just seem to be digging a deeper hole for myself. I haven’t accomplished anything and I am sick of it! Nothing is going according to plan and to make matters worse I keep getting the short end of the stick.

For Christmas, my family decided to do a gift exchange. We each picked out two names. When I pulled out the first of the two names I felt a little bit of anger inside me, It’s almost as if the world was urging me to make amends with this person. I chose the Evil Monkey’s name. Just my luck. The one person on this planet that I can hardly stand! I really don’t think he deserves anything even remotely nice from me. He should be considered lucky if I even wish him a Merry Christmas. I know that sounds mean, but I really have no respect for this guy. Not after him and I have gotten into multiple physical and verbal altercations and definitely not after what he has done to our family. I tend to hold grudges and I know that’s not always a good thing.

The second name I drew out was my dad’s. This one is not so bad because he is rather easy to shop for. I’m a bit disappointed, though, because I feel like I won’t be able to give him what he really wants. It bums me out because my father expected so much from me and has done so much, almost to a point where he has gone completely broke, and I failed him. Having that in the back of my mind I now know that whatever I do decide to gift him will be nothing compared to what he truly desires and that breaks my heart because all I ever wanted was to make my daddy proud and happy, but I can’t even do that. I can’t even play the daughter role correctly.

So yeah. I would say things are a bit rough right now. Also, tomorrow marks one year since the passing of my grandpa 😦 Happy Holidays to me, right?