2015

It’s my first post of the new year. Yay! And it only took me until the very last day of the first month of the new year. Not bad or more like about time, right?.

It is currently past four in the morning and I am listening to one of my favorite bands.. Avenged Sevenfold, or A7X for short. I would normally be reading at this time, but I don’t have any new reading material and I don’t have the next volume in the current manga I am reading so, here I am.

A7X has been my favorite band for quite some time now. It is the only type of music I actually listen to, not all that mainstream type of crap people put out. I often find myself not knowing who these new artists are or even some of the more popular songs. Okay I like some, but for the most part.. No thank you.

Anyways, Avenged has always been my go to band for any type of way I was feeling. I would listen to them when I was mad, depressed, sad, or even happy. It’s a cliche, i know, but their music really does speak to me and keeps me going at times. It’s funny because the way I look, dress or act, no one would think I listen to that type of music.

That was a little off topic, but hey now you know who my favorite band is,

2015 so far has been a little meh, but it’s only the first month so who knows, it could turn around. I really, really. hope it does.

I am still working in a department store and it’s not all that bad. Holidays sucked that’s for sure. I thought holidays were suppose to bring out the best in people, but to me it seemed like it only brought out the ugly. I know it’s not the best job, but I like the people I work with and it’s helping me save up money.. at least it was.

Out of nowhere, my parents decided to start charging for rent and they are not being very lenient with the amount. As of this year, I am basically working for my parents since that is where the majority of my paycheck goes. I do get where they might be coming from, though. I am 22 years old and I know not everything in life is free, but what is bugging me the most out of this whole situation is that it came out of the blue. Like, they just dropped it on me and didn’t even consider if I could handle it. I don’t get paid very much, you know.

It’s cutting it way too close that I am even considering getting another job. Just the other day I went to return a couple of shirts at a store just so I could have an extra twenty dollars in my pocket. Pathetic, right? It’s times like these that make me regret taking another semester off, but I mean school is the reason I am working. So I can take that burden off of my parents, but how do they expect me to do that when I have nothing to spare.

This is all extremely frustrating. One way or another, I will figure out how to deal with this. This is the real world and even though I am still living in my parent’s home, I am on my own.

Here’s to 2015! May this year bring me joy, even in the littlest way possible, and not so much misery.

Happy Holidays?

This year’s holidays are not turning out to be so jolly.

First of all, my decision to take a semester off and save up some money is not being fulfilled. I have been working and working, but ask me how much money I have saved. it’s a joke, really. I don’t even know if I am returning to any kind of school next year because I haven’t even looked into any of it. Even if I did, I don’t have the money and I definitely do not want to ask my parents for anymore help. Also, I forgot to take into consideration that loans have a grace period and after that time is up then I have to start paying back. Well, I got the letter and there’s that. I am screwed.

I just feel so defeated and I have no motivation.This was all suppose to be taken care of by now, but I just seem to be digging a deeper hole for myself. I haven’t accomplished anything and I am sick of it! Nothing is going according to plan and to make matters worse I keep getting the short end of the stick.

For Christmas, my family decided to do a gift exchange. We each picked out two names. When I pulled out the first of the two names I felt a little bit of anger inside me, It’s almost as if the world was urging me to make amends with this person. I chose the Evil Monkey’s name. Just my luck. The one person on this planet that I can hardly stand! I really don’t think he deserves anything even remotely nice from me. He should be considered lucky if I even wish him a Merry Christmas. I know that sounds mean, but I really have no respect for this guy. Not after him and I have gotten into multiple physical and verbal altercations and definitely not after what he has done to our family. I tend to hold grudges and I know that’s not always a good thing.

The second name I drew out was my dad’s. This one is not so bad because he is rather easy to shop for. I’m a bit disappointed, though, because I feel like I won’t be able to give him what he really wants. It bums me out because my father expected so much from me and has done so much, almost to a point where he has gone completely broke, and I failed him. Having that in the back of my mind I now know that whatever I do decide to gift him will be nothing compared to what he truly desires and that breaks my heart because all I ever wanted was to make my daddy proud and happy, but I can’t even do that. I can’t even play the daughter role correctly.

So yeah. I would say things are a bit rough right now. Also, tomorrow marks one year since the passing of my grandpa :( Happy Holidays to me, right?

The Princess Has Arrived

My precious niece has finally arrived into this world and I could not be happier. She is the most adorable little girl I have ever seen. I might be a little biased when I say that, but it is the truth.

My sister went into labor on Labor Day. How fitting, right? I was so excited because my sister wanted me to be there with her through the whole thing, but boy I did not know what I was signing up for. Well first of all, my sister’s water broke that Monday morning and I did not believe her at first. She is known to joke around, even with things this serious, but once I realized that it was really happening we took action. So there we go to the hospital where she is checked out and placed into a delivery room.

Hours go by and her contractions get worse by the moment. Let me just say, it is not cool seeing someone you love so dearly in so much pain, especially when there is nothing you can do about it. Even more hours go by and still nothing. It is now Tuesday. By this time I thought my niece would be born or there would have at least been some progress, but no. 

It was 4am when I was able to take a little nap, but I couldn’t really because I felt bad that my sister wasn’t able to rest because of all the pain she was enduring. How could I rest when she couldn’t? Her boyfriend, however, had no problem knocking out and even snoring while my mom and I were the ones checking up on her and making sure she was okay.

We had been in the hospital for 24 hours already and there was still no sign of my niece wanting to come out. More and more hours go by and I could tell my sister was getting frustrated. At around 3pm the nurses decided that it was time for her to start pushing. She pushed and pushed for a couple of hours and there was still no sign of the little princess. After about four hours she had to take a break, she then continued. She was trying as hard as she could to give birth to her daughter, but the baby was being stubborn. At one point you could even see her head and I got hopeful that it was going to be over soon, but I was wrong.

After 8 hours of pure pushing, my sister gave up. She couldn’t do it anymore because she was so exhausted and who could blame her. Seeing how hard she was trying and there being no progress was hard to see because I couldn’t even imagine what she was feeling. (Side note: Her boyfriend had the audacity to compare childbirth to having his appendix removed. I wanted to smack him. Through the whole process he was definitely not making things better for my sister. He was making it about him. Selfish much?)

She had no other choice but to have a c-section. As soon as she made that decision she started bawling. She felt scared and disappointed in herself. She was so determined to give birth naturally and she felt like she had failed. My heart broke for her. I was trying to keep my emotions in check and stay strong for her, but it was just too difficult. I know my sister tried her best and no one can blame her for having to do what she did.

Wednesday, September 3rd.1:35am. My niece was FINALLY born!

Turns out the c-section was the best solution because there was no way she would have come out, no matter how much my sister tried because she was technically stuck. Later, I found out that the c-section ended up being done as soon as possible because the baby’s hear rate started to decrease and that was not a good sign. Apparently they rate the baby on a scale of 1-10 depending on how they look when they come out, whether they have complications or if nothing is wrong. My niece was rated at a 2.9, meaning that she was not in good condition. They administered oxygen to her and worked on her until she was stable.

In total, my sister was in labor for over 36 hours. Talk about being some kind of wonder woman. It was a long and hard journey, but I now have a healthy, beautiful little niece.

We are all thrilled to have her home with us and I am already beginning to spoil her. She is definitely our little princess and she has arrived to fill our lives with joy. I love my niece so freaking much!

 

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My Little Panda Butt

Frustrated

I am so close to being done. There is just so many things I can’t take right now and they are starting to take a toll.

For starters, I will not be going back to school. At least not this semester. Do you know how disappointing that is?! Other people might think that I’m happy with this decision, but I’m really not. I haven’t even had the courage to tell my parents that this is my decision because I know how they’ll react. They’ll be sad and disappointed and I know this because I already heard it. Apparently my parents have been talking to my brother about what’s suppose to be MY future behind my back. They believe that those four years I was away at school are now going to be a complete loss and that I am now just going to become a dropout with a minimum wage job. I certainly do not want that for myself.

They need to understand that I need to regroup. I don’t think they see how hard it was on me seeing my friends graduate and now have great jobs. It still hurts. They’re all becoming teachers or getting jobs as psychologists and microbiologists. It sucks!

None of this was suppose to happen. My entire plan was screwed and now I don’t even have a clue where to go from here. I hate when other people tell me that it’ll happen in its own time or that I am just taking a small detour. No! All of this was suppose to be done with, but I went and fucked it all up for myself. Maybe it will happen eventually, but at the current mood I am in, it all seems impossible and I have no one else to blame but myself.

This was suppose to be the one thing that I could control. The one thing that I was suppose to be good at, but I don’t even know where I went wrong.

I guess it’s mainly frustration. I am frustrated that I couldn’t get things done or that I don’t even know where my future is heading. It’s really frustrating knowing that everyone had high hopes for me and I went on and let them all down. It’s even more frustrating when  other family members (aunts, uncles) remind me that my parents almost went completely broke for me. First of all, how the hell do they know that?!  And secondly, can they stop reminding me! I already know what i cost them and I feel bad for it. They would speak highly of me to others, almost as if bragging, but now what can they say? I’m going nowhere. That must be embarrassing for them and I hate that I am the one putting them through that because I didn’t do my part.

Overall, I am just extremely frustrated and disappointed in myself.

Summer So Far..

It has been well over two months since I have posted anything on here and I can honestly say I missed it. For the past couple of months I have been trying to stay on the down low for various reasons, but now I think it’s time that I came back to update and possibly vent a little.

As you all can probably guess, I am currently on summer vacation. Ending this semester in particular was rather tough for me because this was suppose to be the year I graduated from college, but obviously that did not happen. I had convinced everyone, including myself, that I would be done with school and be on my way to finding a career as soon as possible. Apparently I was just kidding myself and everyone around me.

I tried to avoid social media as much as possible during that time because a lot of people I knew and went to school with were posting about their graduations and how they all successfully completed school. That was suppose to be me too. Seeing everyone’s success and happiness just made me feel miserable. I envied them because they were accomplishing their goals and living their dream, in a way, but I was nowhere near that. I could have been rejoicing like them that I would no longer have to take classes or exams, but instead I sulked and felt sorry for myself.

I just really hated feeling like that. The feeling that my dreams were far from my reach. I was really embarrassed and ashamed. It feels like nothing ever goes my way and it is starting to get on my nerves.

Changing the subject. My sister is currently seven months pregnant and she will be having a little girl. She is going to be my first niece and I am so excited! Honestly, that is probably the best thing that is going on in my life right now.

I remember at first I was furious because I don’t like the baby’s father, but now I’m learning to accept it. Seeing how happy this has made my sister is what it’s all about. For once I see her smile more often, despite being tired all the time, and I am truly happy for her. I know she will be a great mother.

Changing the subject again. So I tried to use these past couple of months that I have been off to better myself. I have tried to accept the fact that I am not done with school. The fact that I am not the best looking person. The fact that I might not be stable and what I can do to help myself. The fact of the matter is that I did not come to terms with anything! I feel like I might have made a few things worse.

Ever since my summer vacation started, I have been stuck at home. I’ve had no interaction with my friends from back home or even gone out as much. I have become perfectly comfortable staying in the comfort of my home or room. I do not find it necessary to do anything. It’s not that I am being completely lazy, it’s just that I feel no motivation to do anything or even talk to people. The closest thing I can think of is being anti social. I avoid being around people at all costs and I never used to be like that. I don’t even want to hang out with my own family. I feel obligated to go to family gatherings because I am forced to make conversation and interact. I don’t find that interesting anymore and I know that’s not normal. I would much rather be in my room just reading, entering a whole new world.

It is much easier to keep to myself, this way I won’t be a bother or even a nuisance. For example, in a few hours we are heading to California for Independence Day to spend it with the majority of the family. I am dreading this trip. It is hard for me to believe that it has come to a point where I don’t “like” my family and their presence annoys me. I was never like this and I don’t know why all of a sudden I am. It feels like lately the whole interaction thing has become a chore or hassle for me.

I could go into so much more detail, but for now I will leave it at that. You have now been updated.

 

Spring Break 2014

Spring break was both a success and a fail. It was equally fun as it was crappy. I had a week of boredom, some fun activities, and not to mention drama.

Let me start off with the good things that actually came out of spring break. Two of the best things that happened all week were that I didn’t have to be up so early and I got to see my nephew every single day. Seeing my nephew every day really brought a smile to my face because he is so precious. After spending an entire week with him and paying so much attention to him, I think I am in line to be his favorite aunt.

The first weekend I was home, my family and I actually did activities together which is surprising to me. One day we went to the zoo and the other we went to baseball city where I was able to meet some baseball players. The rest of the week I spent at home because everyone had to work, but I tried to make the best of it by cooking or baking and watching wrestling. I also watched Catching Fire and Frozen so many times. The songs were stuck in my head all week.

The last night of spring break, my best friend had a party at her apartment so I spent it with some of my closest friends. It was really fun. We played video games, had drinks, played beer pong, and just had a great time. I guess at some point we were having way too much fun because the downstairs neighbors complained.

So those were the main highlights of my spring break. Now for the downfall of my week at home.

That first Saturday I was home, another fight/argument occurred between my sister and the Evil Monkey. He is still doing bad in my book. Again, these arguments happen out of stupid reasons, but when they do happen they are not pretty. We were out in a restaurant and of course it made a scene. The whole car ride back home everyone was silent until we got home. Once we were home, my sister and I went inside, but the Monkey stayed outside to argue with my other sister, his girlfriend. One of the windows was open and I was able to hear everything they were yelling about. He basically gave her an ultimatum, him or our family. Once she came inside I tried convincing her not to leave with him, but she just shoved me aside.

My sisters and I were at a standstill, just mad at one another and like always I was in the middle. This argument couldn’t have happened at a worst time because the next day was the day my sister told the rest of the family that she is in fact pregnant.

These were everyone’s reactions: My brother was happy simply because that is his sister and he knows that she will be a good mother. My other sister acted like she didn’t care, she even said that she would not accept the baby simply because of who the father is. My mom cried, she did not want this for her. My dad, on the other hand, said nothing. He was silent the entire time and hasn’t really spoken to my sister since she revealed the news to them. Who knows what kind of emotions he can he harboring, but it can’t be good. Basically, my family had mixed emotions about the whole thing and the majority seem to be in denial.

My reaction? Well I am happy for my sister and only my sister. I honestly don’t believe he will be a good father. Part of me hopes he proves me wrong, but another part of me wants to see him show who he really is and possibly fail. Is that bad? I know for a fact that my sister will be a great mom and I will support her no matter what, but I will not support him. I am just going to look out for my family and my future niece or nephew because that is all that matters to me.

Anyways. Spring break is over and now I am back at school. It was definitely full of ups and downs, but at least I got to sleep in and not worry about school!

22

I turned 22 years old yesterday.

To be honest. I am glad that I made it to be 22. There were many times when I didn’t think that I would make it this far because of events in my life, but I did make it. I look back and think, why did I ever want to end my life so soon? Was I really in that bad of a place? At the current moment, my life is nowhere near better and I am still struggling with depression, but I am learning how to cope with it all in a much healthier way. I am not saying that I don’t think about self harm or suicide, but I am learning to put it in the back of my mind and trying to move forward.

I have learned to accept that there is hope for everyone, including me. I now know that I have to think more positive if I want to make it anywhere. Negativity will only hold me back and that was what was happening to me this whole time. I would always let negative thoughts control my mind and I would convince myself that there was nothing good to look forward to. It was all my mindset, which hasn’t always been the best one.

I might not be where I want to be, but that’s life. Nothing is ever going to go according to plan and we just have to learn to roll with the punches. Life is always going to give us things that we can’t handle or something that might hurt us, but we can try to learn from those occurrences.

I know I’ve only been on this planet for 22 years and there is still so much more that is going to be thrown at me. I’m always going to have struggles, the only thing is that I am going to have to overcome them in any way that I can and keep my head up.

Relapses and stresses are bound to happen, but it is up to me to know what to do when those times arise. It is time to move onward. I know I’m nowhere near getting better and I know that I’m still going to suffer from my problems, but I am at least trying to have a better perspective.

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